Types of Parenting

Originally posted on my Moonlight blog, October 6, 2017

By far, the most common questions I get from parents are on discipline. When to step in, when to let it go, how to get them to do what we want. Families often err too much on one side or the other, discipline becomes punitive when they aren’t meeting parental expectation or the child is ungrounded because s/he thinks they have no boundaries. So, where is that line? There are three types of parenting styles that psychologists have defined:

Authoritarian: Characterized by high demands and low responsiveness. Parents with anauthoritarian style have very high expectations of their children, yet provide very little in the way of feedback and nurturance. Mistakes tend to be punished harshly. When feedback does occur, it is often negative. (Definition from: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-authoritarian-parenting-2794955). Research into how authoritative parenting fails is abundant, a very good summary is here: http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html.

Permissive: Characterized by low demands with high responsiveness. Permissive parents tend to be very loving, yet provide few guidelines and rules. These parents do not expect mature behavior from their children and often seem more like a friend than a parental figure. (Definition from: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-permissive-parenting-2794957). Research shows how this type of parenting also fails children can be found here: http://www.parentingscience.com/permissive-parenting.html. Not as bad as authoritative style parenting, but still not likely what we want for our children.

Authoritative: Characterized by reasonable demands and high responsiveness. While these parents might have high expectations for their children, they also give their kids the resources and support they need to succeed. Parents who exhibit this style listen to their kids and provide love and warmth in addition to limits and fair discipline. (Definition from: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-authoritative-parenting-2794956). This is the sweet spot. Research shows that by far this is the most effective style of parenting, and here is a good overview: http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style.html.

So, now that we know what the best type of parent to be is, how do we achieve that? How do we set reasonable limits and expectations, and enforce those? Check out my post on the “4 Ds” of discipline: http://www.themoonlightblog.com/2017/10/05/when-to-discipline-the-4-ds-of-discipline/