The Crying Game?

Crying is something that all humans, and many other mammals do naturally. It is something that for babies is a way to communicate needs, for older children and adults crying is a way to communicate big emotions. Sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety, happiness, and almost every other other big emotion will result in crying.

For adults, we are sometimes either uncomfortable with a child's crying or feel like crying is an indicator of something that needs to be fixed. In both cases, adults will try to stop a child's crying or even worse, make the child feel bad for crying. Both of these actions, though, do not help a child. So, what does help a child when he or she is crying?

1) Validate the child and their feelings. Use language like "I see that you are crying. If I can help you to feel better with a hug or something else, please let me know what I can do." If you think you know more specifically what is causing the crying, you can address that more specifically. "I see that you are upset because you wanted to run inside. I understand that can be frustrating when you don't get what you would like. But I can't let you run inside because that would not be safe."

2) After you have validated the child's feelings, give the child choices. Ask if the child might like to go to a very comfortable space to have crying time, or the child can cry beside you if that is preferred.

Things NOT to do with a crying child:

1) Tell them they are OK, or it is OK, or they are going to be OK. In their head, no matter how small you think the problem is, they are not OK and to tell them otherwise is condescending.

2) Shush them or tell them to stop crying. It is OK; however, to ask them to be quieter if they are disturbing others, or take them to a place where they are less of a distraction and to tell them why you are doing it.

3) Solve their problem for them. Children need the ability to be able to work through these big emotions in their own time and space. They also need coping mechanisms that are not adult dependent, so that they can learn how to do this in the future (an important executive function that needs development).

4) Allow the crying to sidetrack what truly needs to happen. For instance, if the child is crying because you needed to leave the house at a certain time to arrive somewhere, then you still MUST leave at that time, whether or not the child is crying. You can use words like, "I see that you are upset because we are leaving in a rush. Next time we will work on giving you more time to get ready, but for today we must leave now to arrive on time. Either you can walk to the car, or I will carry you." Then follow through, if the child isn't moving towards the car on their own, you must take them to the car.

5) Lose your temper or become frustrated with them. They need to feel safe in that you can handle their emotions, if not, who can they depend on? Stay very calm and matter-of-fact when dealing with the child.

After the child has stopped crying:

1) Ask the child what solutions they have to fix that problem in the future, what would better meet their needs/desires? If it is possible, work that into your life. If it is not possible, let them know that you appreciate their suggestion but it won't work because of X, Y, Z. Together brainstorm other possibilities and reach a compromise.

2) Evaluate your own responsibility for the situation. Did you let the child become overtired/overstimulated/hungry? Where you inconsiderate of the child's feelings/needs? If so, acknowledge that to the child and APOLOGIZE. This is how the child will learn to do the same, and it lets the child know that adults aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Then, work on yourself to try and not repeat the situation again. Maybe that means giving time warnings before a transition ("We are going to need to leave in 10 minutes, please wrap up what you are doing."), earlier nap/bed times, or having a healthy snack available in the car on busy days.Maybe it means making days less busy if possible, or having some down time between errands.

Our goal needs to shift from not letting a child become upset ever, to guidance in teaching a child how to get through an upset. Building these executive functions are proving to be some of the most valuable tools we can give children.

Toddler Temper Tantrums

I get asked this question all of the time, what do I do about toddler temper tantrums? One thing to be sure of, these tantrum usually pass with age. I say usually because they will not go away if they are rewarded. The first thing about a temper tantrum is to understand the root cause, it is generally not caused by the obvious trigger. Children are generally not throwing a temper tantrum because they are truly sad or angry they are not getting their way. Usually he or she is tired, hungry, overstimulated, bored, or any other host of reasons that cause this behavior. However, and this is important, just because the underlying reason is primarily not the child's fault, you still can never give in. If you are at home the best solution is to, in a gentle voice, tell your child "I understand that you are unhappy, but I will talk to you about this when you have calmed down." And then walk away and ignore the tantrum. Of course make sure the area is clear of hazards if your child is a flailing sort of tantrummer. When he or she calms down, return and say "Thank you for calming down, now we can talk." And discuss your reasons. Even a very young child can be reasoned with, or at the very least understand a gentle voice. Sometimes explaining a reason causes the tantrum to begin again, in which case you repeat the process. Then, as soon as you can, try to relieve the root cause of the problem, a nap or bed, a snack or meal, some quiet time or rocking, an activity to occupy, etc.

You should try to avoid making going to bed, even if the child is tired, seem like a punishment for a tantrum. This is sometimes difficult, especially when you know that is what is really needed. In this case, try to follow the tantrum with a linking activity to sleep like rocking or reading a bedtime story. If sleep is made to seem like a punishment for a behavior, regular naps and bedtimes may become difficult.

For public temper tantrum, which are of course much more embarrassing for the parents, try to remove the child from the situation as quickly as you can. Going back to the car, a restroom, a quiet area away from people all work. Then, follow the same protocol as when home. Decide if they should return to the activity, or if he or she really just needs to go home. Even if something wonderful is to be missed, sometimes this is the best option.

The main keys to are to avoid giving the tantrum attention and to at all costs not ever give the child what they are throwing the tantrum for. The biggest mistake I see parents make is to give the child what they want after calming down. So, in the child's mind "I throw a tantrum, I calm down, I get what I want." It is actually a very logical progression on their part. Once the child sees that the tantrums do not work and have the verbage and ability to control their emotions, the tantrums will end. Light at the end of the toddler tunnel.