My Child has Stolen! and a word about parasite lessons

Inspired by true events:

My cousin's ten year old son recently stole a pack of erasers (he has been collecting them) from a Wal-Mart. My cousin's initial response was to donate all of his Christmas toys to Toys for Tots, or to make him do community service. I applaud my cousin for wanted to do something about this problem. Many times I have witnessed parents do nothing because the event seemed to not matter. His mother caught the theft and went back and paid for the erasers (then donated them to Toys for Tots so he did not get them). So, in many parent's eyes, no problem. The problem though is that if this is not addressed now then it becomes a more serious problem later. Bigger things are stolen, maybe mom doesn't catch it. Or maybe he assumes that his parents are always going to bail him out of tough situations.

However, the problem with this punishment is that you wouldn't want him to associate charity with punishment. In Montessori, we do not have punishments at all (nor do we have external rewards). As Dr. Montessori said "the prize and punishments are incentives toward unnatural or forced effort, and, therefore we certainly cannot speak of the natural development of the child in connection with them." However, if we allow children to face the consequences of their choices, that then becomes a learning experience for the child. One that can be built upon. Punishment also comes with what we call "parasite lessons." This parasite lesson would be that helping others out is something we do when we have done something society deems wrong. If children lose "television time" because of bad behavior you've made television something to be coveted because when the child is behaving properly television is permitted.

In this case, I would first have a serious talk with him about how this was illegal and he could go to jail. His uncle is a police officer and could even take him to the jail and show him where people go when they steal. The talk needs to be framed with why it is wrong to steal. The learning experience should include having him examine himself to assess how he would feel if someone had stole from him. And how, in our society, we must earn what we receive. Then have him earn the money to pay for the erasers (by doing chores that he would not normally be required to do) and repay his mom. Additionally, he should write a letter to the Wal-mart about what he's learned and how he would do things differently next time. Which he needs to present to the manage Wal-mart of the in person.

And then going forward, parents should think about what parasite lesson is being learned from giving children everything they want, when they want it. Is that a life lesson you want your children to have? I know my cousin suspects that the theft happened because his son generally gets everything he wants. My cousin suspects that he wanted it and assumed he could have it. At a young age have your children start paying for items, even better if they pay for it with money they have earned. And earning should be for something that he or she should not be responsible for. Making the bed, cleaning their own dishes, and putting their own laundry away are all jobs that your child should already be doing as care of himself or herself. My daughter earns money by folding her dad's socks. It is a job he doesn't like, so it saves him work, and it isn't something she should normally be responsible for.

My child is stealing!

We had a student that was taking things off of the shelves at stores, opening and eating them before purchasing. This was a strategy I suggested to the family, who wanted to do a coupon system for good behavior:

I know you are thinking to do a coupon reward system, and I congratulate you for wanting to see her progression. I would stay away from extrinsic rewards; however, as all the Montessori research (and traditional education research as well) shows that rewards programs actually impede true learning of behaviors. Rather, the children are doing what they need to do for the rewards, without true understanding about the reasons they need to have the proper behavior. Also, behaviors usually revert when the reward is no longer given. Instead, I would suggest a system to help her learn why she needs to have proper behavior. Her reward is the benefit that you find going to the store with her a joyful and fun experience, and she will see that.

Before going to the store, remind her of the expected behavior and why you expect that behavior ("We haven't paid for it yet, and that was not on our shopping list today. Maybe we can put it on the list for next time" (or "that isn't something on our shopping list because it isn't healthy for us"). That way she knows her expectations ahead of time. Eventually she won't need reminded, but while she is still learning the reminders help.

If she does take something off of the shelf, and if you catch that before she opens it, have her return it to the shelf and explain why she has to return it. Say the same things you said before you went into the store to keep consistency in your message.

If she does open it, then you can give her the money to buy it (or you can take money out of her savings from birthday money, etc) and she has to go to the front of the store purchase the item and then she has to give it to the store to throw away. She MUST admit her wrongdoing to the clerk. When she goes home she forfeits a snack because she helped herself to snack at the store.

There seems to be a misunderstanding in her concept of ownership. You can work to explain to her that only things the she buys or are given to her by another are hers. To pay for things she takes she can do chores around the house. This should come before any play time. This should not be things that she should responsible for herself (like making her bed, it is her bed, she should be responsible for making that herself as she is the one sleeping in it, dishes, because she also uses dishes, etc), but things such as making your bed. Things that have nothing to do with the care of herself, but would help you out. Essentially, you would hire her and she can earn the money to pay for her habit.

Outside of the actual occurrences of the behavior, perhaps setting up a "grocery store" at home. She can practice how to take things off of the shelf and then "pay for it" then take it home. Then she can reset and play again. You can also work with her and real money, learning first the different monies (penny, nickel, dime, quarter, dollar) and when that is mastered the values of the monies. This is a pre-kindergarten skill. Allow her to pay when you go shopping, so she can become familiar with the fact that money has to exchange hands before they belong to her.

Finally, be very wary of purchasing treats or gifts when you go to the store. She will then feel entitled to receive something when she goes and this may lead to her taking matters into her own hands when she doesn't (then returning to taking things again, because she feels she should have them).