Forcing the apology

It never ceases to amaze me. A child hits another and the adult makes the child go up to the victim (either at the time or hours later when the incident was reported to them), and says "Tell them you are sorry." And then waits until the child apologizes. I even read a discipline guide for toddlers that said to make them apologize. What does the forced apology do? Number one: it says, you can do anything you want as long as you apologize for it afterward. Number two: it is never sincere. A spontaneous apology is different. If a child does something and honestly feels sorry for doing that and apologizes, that is to be commended "That made me feel much better that you apologized to me." But to force an apology is never warranted and really only serves to make an embarrassed parent feel better.

The better alternative is to have the child ask the other child what would make him or her feel better. This teaches the aggressor to empathize with the victim and also teaches him or her responsibility for his or her actions. Then, help the aggressor follow through. If the victim requests an ice pack, the aggressor gets the ice pack and holds it on the hurt body part until the victim says it feels better. Let the victim be the guide. Until he or she says it is OK, the aggressor must tend to him or her.

Teaching the lesson of apology is better left to times when an incident has not occurred. Through books and by modeling apologetic behavior when appropriate. This way the child learns that saying I'm sorry comes from within, when he or she is truly feeling bad for their actions.

One day at school we had this situation happen. A student had hit the teacher. The parent told him that they could not leave school until he apologized. He promptly apologized. We pulled the parent aside and explained that we do not force apologies and told her why. She went over to her son and said "Are you really sorry, or did you say it just because I told you to?" He said, "I said it because you told me to." Vindication...

Ending the Drama

A parent recently asked me about the crying bouts of her Kindergartener. "Is this normal for this age? It's getting to be a bit much..." My answer, whether or not it was the desired answer, was yes. If a child has been positively rewarded by attention, sympathy, or receiving a gift to make him or her feel better than the child will continue crying fits and temper tantrums for a long time, even into adulthood if it continues to work. No parent wants to hear her child cry, or think that her child is sad about something. However, it serves the child much better to learn the difference between being truly sad and being sad because she or he has not gotten their way. Crying is a way that babies can communicates their feelings of discomfort because the baby cannot use words or communicate in any other way. Once the child is able to communicate, the child should learn how to communicate with words. A good tactic to teach this to children (no matter what the age), is to ask them when why they are crying. What are they sad about? If it is truly something to be sad about, comfort him or her and ask what would make them feel better. It is important for the parent not to ask them how the parent can solve the problem. Children need to learn how to cope with situations, even sad situations. You can offer suggestions, such as "You're sad your friend had to go home? Maybe you can draw a picture to give to him next time to see him, so he knows you were thinking about him." It should not be your goal to make their hurt go away, as much as we want to. We want our children to grow up to be happy adults that can cope with the things that life throws at them, and sometimes life doesn't throw the greatest pitches. If their tears are because of something that is not really sad, such as they are not getting their way, then those are tears to ignore, after explaining to them that it is not appropriate to cry in that situation. Ask them to save their tears for times when they are really sad (What defines really sad? That is different for each child, some are more sensitive than others. A good test is asking yourself if the tears are being used for attention or to manipulate, if so those are not truly sad tears.). Explain to them briefly why things must happen the way they are "Mommy has to go to work, and I will be back later, just like always. I love you." And then you do what you need to do. Parents must resist the urge to give just one more hug, a treat to make them feel better, have a long drawn out discussion, or make a deal to do something wonderful or special when you return. If you do so, the child's tears have done their job. They have gotten their way, even if only for a few more minutes, and the tears will continue every time you are in that same situation. If you do not indulge them, the tears quickly end after a week or so. The child then becomes able to cope with that situation, and has another tool in their emotional toolbox.

Important tips for raising infants

A prospective parent recently emailed me, asking what the most important things she could do in raising her new baby so she is ready to come to school. The advice I give to new parents sounds very easy, but in practice it is much more difficult. The most important thing is to not underestimate your child, ever. Allow your child the chance to do things on his or her own, even if our society typically thinks that it is things that the child is too young to be able to do. Speak to your child often and reason with him or her. Even if he or she doesn't understand right then, eventually it will work and at a much younger age than you might realize. Always present your child with the option of doing things independently, which is difficult because our society is so hurry, hurry and children do take time, especially when learning something new. That means as parents we may need to wake up earlier to allow enough time to walk down the stairs and out to the car themselves instead of carrying them, or put their shoes on themselves, or dress themselves. We also need to be willing to allow for messes. Instead of sippy cups--which allow for no learning to take place--allow your child to drink from a regular cup and spill on themselves and the table. Your child is smart enough to be able to figure out how the cup needs to be held so this does not happen in the future. There is no reason that your baby cannot do everything you do. There is no need for baby DVDs to occupy him or her while you get housework or officework done. Set up a play space on the floor and let him play while you work. Exposure to life is how your child will learn, not the latest "educational" DVDs.

Christmas Gift Giving and Opening

Christmas morning, or any holiday that gifts are involved, is a great learning time for children. Remember, learning is not a mundane activity for children (or, at least it shouldn't be!), but it is how they take in the messages from the world around them. I'm often asked what presents are appropriate to give, and here is my general response. Don't believe the marketing hype! Children do not need bells and whistles for them to enjoy a gift, in fact, children often tire of those gifts quickly because they not using their skills to play with them. Try choosing gifts that are kid-powered instead of battery powered. They will work on using their own creativity and imagination skills, not the preset stories or games that are being fed to them. I also advise to stay away from commercialized gifts, not to stick it to the man necessarily, but to allow the child to take that toy wherever his or her own imagination takes them instead of scripts that have been seen in the movies or television programs. Also, limit gifts to just a few special ones (and retire an equal number to charity) to avoid neglected toys that could be put to good use by another child. Children easily become overwhelmed with holiday gifts and the WOW factor wears off as more and more gifts are opened. A few gifts will be more meaningful than many. Ask yourself how many holiday gifts you remember. When your children are opening gifts, allow them to use each gift for as long as they like. This is how they explore and appreciate, when they are going at their own pace, rather than an assembly line of open, put aside, open next one.

Most importantly, let your child be very excited about giving gifts to someone else, whether it is a homemade gift or a gift they help you pick out at the store. Show them how special it is to give. This year my daughter made coasters to give to her family, and delighted in telling them that she painted them. Next year, we will begin charitable gifts as well.

Enjoy your time with your family and your traditions. It is one of the most special gifts you can give your children.

To Santa or not to Santa?

At this time of year, especially because this is my daughter's first Christmas that she is aware of the season, parents often ask my views on Santa Claus. Most children have difficulty differentiating between fact and fiction. For most, this does not happen until about age seven. So the path I am choosing is to let my daughter know who Santa is (right now that he is a man with a white beard and he wears a red suit), but I won't ever tell her that he brings her gifts, comes down our chimney, or is a real person. Eventually I will share the myth of Santa Claus and what nice stories they are. There are several reasons for this. First, and most importantly, I do not believe that it is all right to lie to your child. They do eventually find out that there is no Santa and wonder why you have lied to them, for years no less. Will they get over this hurt? Yes, but why cause it? It may lead them to wonder what else you are lying about, especially important if you are a religious family because they cannot see god either. I want to respect my daughter and her intelligence. There are so many wonderful, beautiful realities in the world to learn about. Especially during the holiday season. I would much rather her concentration on those. Secondly, how unsettling to know that a strange man can come into your house through the chimney, or however else someone might say Santa comes in. This can lead to a variety of fears in the night. As for my students, I know that this is not a view many families share, so we talk about the cultural significance of Santa and if they ask questions about whether he is real or not I tell them that that is something excellent to ask their parents. My daughter is 21 months old, so I do not need to worry yet about her telling another child that Santa isn't real, at this point she is just identifying the character of Santa. When she does reach that age, we'll talk about how some people like to pretend that he is real and that we should be respectful of that. We'll also talk about how the spirit of Santa is real and is inside people. When she's old enough to understand that. For now, he's the guy that rode the fire truck in our hometown.