What age should we start school?

A question from a prospective parent:

When do I feel children should begin school?

How I feel about when children enter school is very dependent upon the home life and the quality of the school. If children are exposed to a Montessori home life (children are self-directed, independence is encouraged, etc), then waiting until they are older, two and a half or so, to enter a true Montessori program is fine. If the home life is not structured in a Montessori way they should begin in a Montessori program earlier, at 18 months or so. This is not a judge of the home life, but children of this age acheive more in life when they are stimulated in the Montessori way at any early age. Montessori is the only scientifically studied method of education. If they are to be going into traditional preschools or daycares, studies have shown that these do not benefit children in the long run (throughout their school years) and the benefits when they enter Kindergarten are slight. Of course, having them in some social settings before Kindergarten is helpful, whether it is playgroups, workshops at museums or zoos, provided that proper social learning/encouragement is provided (which in these types of settings generally needs to be provided by the parents, the workshop facilitators usually do not run this type of interference).

Socialization difficulties

A question from a parent about socialization...

Socialization is one of the hardest things for parents to help with, just because of the nature of the relationship. As parents, we do not want to see our children upset so to ostracize them for inappropriate behavior is difficult for us, even though in a social setting that is what naturally occurs when inappropriate behavior occurs. Also, parents have a relationship with children that is very different from that of peers.

He will naturally pick up social cues from other classmates and with the teachers guiding him. You can help with this. Instead of time-outs, which we do not use in Montessori because it fails to teach any lessons but is a punishment, try asking of him that he treat you and everyone else he comes in contact with the respect that they deserve. When he does not, use an approach that would be more of a natural consequence of that action. For instance, if he spits on you, you refuse to speak to him until he can show better manners. Do not ignore the action, address it and the fact that it is extremely rude and if he is going to do things like that then others will not want to be around him. When he has calmed down you can ask him why he has spat, and help him think of alternatives to the behavior. Did he spit to get your attention? Then suggest he calmly place his hand of your leg to get your attention. If he is spitting just because he thinks it is cool, he can always do appropriate spitting (in the bathroom sink). He may come out of the bathroom when he is done spitting.

He seems to not understand how to enter situations where he wants to interact or wants attention. Instead he is disturbing work or doing inappropriate things to catch attention. This is not a skill children instinctively have, it is a learned skill. Up to this point, these things have gotten the desired attention so he is continuing to do them. He must be taught how to enter these situations. For instance, at home if he wants yours or your husband's attention, he must gain it properly. When he does, may sure you let him know how much you appreciate that. Always model proper behavior for him as well. If you want his attention (or your husband's and vice versa) make sure it is gained in a way that would be appropriate if he was doing the same things.

My child is stealing!

We had a student that was taking things off of the shelves at stores, opening and eating them before purchasing. This was a strategy I suggested to the family, who wanted to do a coupon system for good behavior:

I know you are thinking to do a coupon reward system, and I congratulate you for wanting to see her progression. I would stay away from extrinsic rewards; however, as all the Montessori research (and traditional education research as well) shows that rewards programs actually impede true learning of behaviors. Rather, the children are doing what they need to do for the rewards, without true understanding about the reasons they need to have the proper behavior. Also, behaviors usually revert when the reward is no longer given. Instead, I would suggest a system to help her learn why she needs to have proper behavior. Her reward is the benefit that you find going to the store with her a joyful and fun experience, and she will see that.

Before going to the store, remind her of the expected behavior and why you expect that behavior ("We haven't paid for it yet, and that was not on our shopping list today. Maybe we can put it on the list for next time" (or "that isn't something on our shopping list because it isn't healthy for us"). That way she knows her expectations ahead of time. Eventually she won't need reminded, but while she is still learning the reminders help.

If she does take something off of the shelf, and if you catch that before she opens it, have her return it to the shelf and explain why she has to return it. Say the same things you said before you went into the store to keep consistency in your message.

If she does open it, then you can give her the money to buy it (or you can take money out of her savings from birthday money, etc) and she has to go to the front of the store purchase the item and then she has to give it to the store to throw away. She MUST admit her wrongdoing to the clerk. When she goes home she forfeits a snack because she helped herself to snack at the store.

There seems to be a misunderstanding in her concept of ownership. You can work to explain to her that only things the she buys or are given to her by another are hers. To pay for things she takes she can do chores around the house. This should come before any play time. This should not be things that she should responsible for herself (like making her bed, it is her bed, she should be responsible for making that herself as she is the one sleeping in it, dishes, because she also uses dishes, etc), but things such as making your bed. Things that have nothing to do with the care of herself, but would help you out. Essentially, you would hire her and she can earn the money to pay for her habit.

Outside of the actual occurrences of the behavior, perhaps setting up a "grocery store" at home. She can practice how to take things off of the shelf and then "pay for it" then take it home. Then she can reset and play again. You can also work with her and real money, learning first the different monies (penny, nickel, dime, quarter, dollar) and when that is mastered the values of the monies. This is a pre-kindergarten skill. Allow her to pay when you go shopping, so she can become familiar with the fact that money has to exchange hands before they belong to her.

Finally, be very wary of purchasing treats or gifts when you go to the store. She will then feel entitled to receive something when she goes and this may lead to her taking matters into her own hands when she doesn't (then returning to taking things again, because she feels she should have them).

Baby questions on sleep and other...

I was answering a parent's (5 month old child) question and though I would post the answers I gave her. One was about sleep problems and the other was about just general developmental guidelines. Hope this helps others...

We coslept with our baby from when she was 2 weeks old until just this past Christmas, but I know not every family is up for that. I had never intended to, at birth we had her in a bassinet by our bed but we couldn't get her to sleep for more than an hour at a time. Then one night I had pulled her in bed to feed her and I accidentally fell asleep. She slept through that whole night! Voila, a family bed was born! There is a great book about sleeping, Elizabeth Pantley's The No-Cry Sleep Solution (she has a for babies version and a for toddlers and preschoolers version). I would suggest reading through that to find the solution that fits your family best. It coveres almost every sleep problem that is not medically related. It also covers naptimes. If you decide to cosleep there is a great book, Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping. It goes over all of the dos and dont's. I used both of these. Good luck! One thing to keep in mind is that at this age you still can't spoil him, so I would go ahead and provide the comfort he needs.

At five months they are starting to do such cool things! Definitely provide him with an abundance of the things he is interested in, whether it is looking in boxes, balls, whatever (not necessarily store bought things, they usually prefer things that are already in their environment). Try to have him be as much a part of your lives as possible. By this I mean keeping him at conversation level, or bringing conversation level down to him. Social skills and vocabulary develops much more quickly when they are "incuded" in the conversation. You could be talking about nuclear physics, but if you look at him and let him have turns babbling back to you it teaches him how conversations happens. It is much better for them than looking at adults' feet all day. Dr. Montessori discovered this when she was with a baby who was crying while the adults were conversing. As an experiment she "included" him in the discussion and he was instantly soothed. Because the warm weather is coming it is great to try and get him outside as much as possible. Dr. Montessori found that when children are connected with the natural world learning comes at a faster rate, she surmised because they are fasinated about what is in their world and want to explore and discover what is happening there.

Forcing the apology

It never ceases to amaze me. A child hits another and the adult makes the child go up to the victim (either at the time or hours later when the incident was reported to them), and says "Tell them you are sorry." And then waits until the child apologizes. I even read a discipline guide for toddlers that said to make them apologize. What does the forced apology do? Number one: it says, you can do anything you want as long as you apologize for it afterward. Number two: it is never sincere. A spontaneous apology is different. If a child does something and honestly feels sorry for doing that and apologizes, that is to be commended "That made me feel much better that you apologized to me." But to force an apology is never warranted and really only serves to make an embarrassed parent feel better.

The better alternative is to have the child ask the other child what would make him or her feel better. This teaches the aggressor to empathize with the victim and also teaches him or her responsibility for his or her actions. Then, help the aggressor follow through. If the victim requests an ice pack, the aggressor gets the ice pack and holds it on the hurt body part until the victim says it feels better. Let the victim be the guide. Until he or she says it is OK, the aggressor must tend to him or her.

Teaching the lesson of apology is better left to times when an incident has not occurred. Through books and by modeling apologetic behavior when appropriate. This way the child learns that saying I'm sorry comes from within, when he or she is truly feeling bad for their actions.

One day at school we had this situation happen. A student had hit the teacher. The parent told him that they could not leave school until he apologized. He promptly apologized. We pulled the parent aside and explained that we do not force apologies and told her why. She went over to her son and said "Are you really sorry, or did you say it just because I told you to?" He said, "I said it because you told me to." Vindication...

Ending the Drama

A parent recently asked me about the crying bouts of her Kindergartener. "Is this normal for this age? It's getting to be a bit much..." My answer, whether or not it was the desired answer, was yes. If a child has been positively rewarded by attention, sympathy, or receiving a gift to make him or her feel better than the child will continue crying fits and temper tantrums for a long time, even into adulthood if it continues to work. No parent wants to hear her child cry, or think that her child is sad about something. However, it serves the child much better to learn the difference between being truly sad and being sad because she or he has not gotten their way. Crying is a way that babies can communicates their feelings of discomfort because the baby cannot use words or communicate in any other way. Once the child is able to communicate, the child should learn how to communicate with words. A good tactic to teach this to children (no matter what the age), is to ask them when why they are crying. What are they sad about? If it is truly something to be sad about, comfort him or her and ask what would make them feel better. It is important for the parent not to ask them how the parent can solve the problem. Children need to learn how to cope with situations, even sad situations. You can offer suggestions, such as "You're sad your friend had to go home? Maybe you can draw a picture to give to him next time to see him, so he knows you were thinking about him." It should not be your goal to make their hurt go away, as much as we want to. We want our children to grow up to be happy adults that can cope with the things that life throws at them, and sometimes life doesn't throw the greatest pitches. If their tears are because of something that is not really sad, such as they are not getting their way, then those are tears to ignore, after explaining to them that it is not appropriate to cry in that situation. Ask them to save their tears for times when they are really sad (What defines really sad? That is different for each child, some are more sensitive than others. A good test is asking yourself if the tears are being used for attention or to manipulate, if so those are not truly sad tears.). Explain to them briefly why things must happen the way they are "Mommy has to go to work, and I will be back later, just like always. I love you." And then you do what you need to do. Parents must resist the urge to give just one more hug, a treat to make them feel better, have a long drawn out discussion, or make a deal to do something wonderful or special when you return. If you do so, the child's tears have done their job. They have gotten their way, even if only for a few more minutes, and the tears will continue every time you are in that same situation. If you do not indulge them, the tears quickly end after a week or so. The child then becomes able to cope with that situation, and has another tool in their emotional toolbox.

Important tips for raising infants

A prospective parent recently emailed me, asking what the most important things she could do in raising her new baby so she is ready to come to school. The advice I give to new parents sounds very easy, but in practice it is much more difficult. The most important thing is to not underestimate your child, ever. Allow your child the chance to do things on his or her own, even if our society typically thinks that it is things that the child is too young to be able to do. Speak to your child often and reason with him or her. Even if he or she doesn't understand right then, eventually it will work and at a much younger age than you might realize. Always present your child with the option of doing things independently, which is difficult because our society is so hurry, hurry and children do take time, especially when learning something new. That means as parents we may need to wake up earlier to allow enough time to walk down the stairs and out to the car themselves instead of carrying them, or put their shoes on themselves, or dress themselves. We also need to be willing to allow for messes. Instead of sippy cups--which allow for no learning to take place--allow your child to drink from a regular cup and spill on themselves and the table. Your child is smart enough to be able to figure out how the cup needs to be held so this does not happen in the future. There is no reason that your baby cannot do everything you do. There is no need for baby DVDs to occupy him or her while you get housework or officework done. Set up a play space on the floor and let him play while you work. Exposure to life is how your child will learn, not the latest "educational" DVDs.